‘Umakaga thanae ayya naan uyir vazgiraen ayya (It’s for you I live alone)
intha udalum ullam ellam anbar umakkaga thanae ayya (My soul, heart and everything belongs to you, my Lord)’

I love this song….. Whenever I feel I am left alone, and in desperate conditions, God always reminds me I live for Him alone. But it is hard to live on those lines in this world.  Anyone will agree with me. Most often when we are surrounded by trials, we often ask God, “Why did it happen to me, Lord? If God is in control, how could He let it happen to me?” But, often we see the present and forget about our future. We forget that God always has the best for us. When God molds, He is preparing a great treasure for us too.

The below is my testimony, though with pains and fear, I believe that God is in control and He always does what is good to me.

I got married in May 2012, and as everyone expects myself and my husband were longing for the good news in our house. We use to pray, “Lord, let everything be done in your perfect time alone”.

I know, God will do everything in His time as a man of God blessed us saying, “God will bless your generation”.  But that day, on April 1st, 2013, I was praying to God, “Lord you have promised me to bless me with a child. It’s gonna be 1 yr now since my marriage. And nothing has happened.  What plans do you have in my life?”

Whenever these questions arise in my mind, God asks me to wait. That whole week, God was speaking with me with the verses from I Samuel, where Hannah was praying to God and as God promised, she is blessed with a child.

I took it as confirmation and was praising God for hearing my prayers. His plans are always different. Also, He was always showing me the verse where Hannah promised God to dedicate her child –

“And she made this vow: ”O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you, He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut” – I Samuel 1:11(NLT)”.

This verse got deep-rooted in my mind and I understood what God was expecting from me. I surrendered myself and gave God a promise that my first-born was for His service, and shared the same with my husband.

Meanwhile, one man of God prophesied to my mom that I will get conceived that month.

It was May 20, 2013.  I was very tired and there were some changes in my mind and body and when we went to the doctor, she confirmed that I am carrying. I along with my husband was praising God for all He did in our lives. Days were running and I felt the Spirit of God lying with my baby. I was sure that my child was a chosen one for God. And I also had a chance to meet a family with my friend who were about to travel to abroad. When we were in prayer I felt the Spirit of God and the brother who was praying for me said that he saw my womb glowing. What else will make a mother happy? I was happy that my son will become an Ambassador for Christ.  I was in clouds writing poems about my son and singing songs for him. To my surprise he was very active. Doctors were surprised seeing him so active in my womb.

October became the busiest month for me because of my brother’s marriage.

And after my brother’s marriage some questions arose in my mind as if someone was asking it to me,
“Will you give your son to me as promised now?”

I was totally confused as I thought that voice to be my imagination.  I just prayed, “Lord, I know nothing will stop my Son growing for you. I can feel it. Be with him, guide him and use him as you wish”.

The next day was so awful for me. It was October 26. I didn’t feel the movement of my baby and went to the doctor.

She said she was not able to hear the heartbeat and I was asked to take scan immediately.  I felt like God was doing something and this will be a miracle. I didn’t lose my faith but I just couldn’t understand what was going on. “The baby will be safe”, this was the only thought running in my mind. I just started talking with God in my mind and asked my friend to send a prayer request to everyone.

But things were not as I expected. The scan report said that my baby’s heartbeat stopped and the doctor asked me to get admitted in hospital and they were arranging to take my baby out.

I just thought, “What on earth was happening and why was it happening to me?”

My eyes flooded with tears. Many were praying for me and were giving hope to me. Till last minute, I believed that nothing would happen to my child and I surrendered totally to God. One of my friends, who prayed for me, said there are angels visiting me and something great will happen.

Doctors were surprised to see me sitting without pain and they tried to take my baby out that night.

It was about 1.30 am on Oct 27. My baby was born. He was so cute, fully formed with lots of hair (as God showed me) but he was dead. I was uncontrollable. The doctors were not able to give reasons for my baby’s death as they found me and my baby healthy. But everything happened for a purpose and according to His will alone.

One of my friends who prayed for my baby fervently said that she saw a boy angel taken into heaven and a sister sent me a message,
“God has taken your first born for the heavenly choir and the rest will be yours”.

She doesn’t even know about my promise to God and my friend too sent a same message. Though I am into worldly pain, I was happy that God chose my child to be with Him. As job said, “God gives and takes away”, I bless the one who gave me and took away my child. My friend, who came to visit me, said, “Don’t ever question God for the things happened?”

Though it made me strong in Faith, sometimes, some thoughts often pondered into my mind disturbing me. But God knows our heart right.

I know a missionary who was working in Kashmir. He often came in my dreams for the past one week and was trying to convey something to me. But I couldn’t understand anything. I got a call on 14th November from an unknown number. To my surprise, it was the missionary. He lost my number somewhere and was trying to contact me for the past one week.

Somehow, he got my number he called me. He said, “God wants me to tell you something”. I got shocked and he continued saying, God wants to tell you that you have trained your son well. He sung well and God loves hearing his song in heaven”. I said in a surprise,” What? “He said, God was urging me to tell you for the past one week and he also said the song which I usually sing when my baby was in my womb.

The missionary, who spoke to me, didn’t know anything happened here and he was saying “I don’t know why God was pushing me so much to tell you this.” I explained him everything happened here and said, “If someone who knows everything have called and said these, I will trust in God but there will be a chance for me to think that they are trying to console me, but now I can’t doubt God at all right”.

I praise God for choosing my son in His heavenly choir.

I know it will be very hard for us to forget when we lose some one. But God has some plans in our life. When we are engulfed with sorrow and despair with the thoughts, “Where is God?” Despite personal stress and painful circumstances, we can be confident that God is sovereign and He is in control of our life-boats.  When we walk through tough situations, and if we focus on the waves of difficult situations around us without faith in Jesus, we may despair and sink.  But remember always, that God has some purpose in our life and His plans are always for our good and trust Him to walk in His faithfulness.

His peace always will be with us and I am sure that I will be meeting my child in heaven someday. Everything He did was for a purpose. It might be a testing time for us or God is preparing us for something greater.

I am thankful to everyone who prayed for my family in tears. It’s not that our prayers were unanswered but God has a better plan for us is what I believe. 

Carolin Divya, IT Professional with a MNC in Chennai and she can be reached through the editor (editor@ccf.org.in)